I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
