Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
