My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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