Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
