Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
