Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
