why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
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The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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