woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
