life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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