the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
