The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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