Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
