i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
