my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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