So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
