I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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