If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
