peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
