Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
