Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
