He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
