you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
