I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
