I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
