Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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