just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
