Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
im on a boat
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