every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
