I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
