I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
