there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
