The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
