I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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