Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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