Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize