you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
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I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
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I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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