i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
