Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
