Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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