some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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