My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
