I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
