I'm lost and stupid without you.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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