saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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