I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
