No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My bed smells like the plague
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..