I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
