Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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