I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
