May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
