i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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