The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
