He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize