if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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