Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
