make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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