then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
