Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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