omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
