My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If I die, sorry about rent.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
