I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
