Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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