John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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